Wasted Thoughts

Closer to Closure

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18
maddyhastopee
Today I went grocery shopping, Vegan style. It feels good to do things that I want to do. It feels good doing things on my own, and it feels good but I feel so empty in the mean time.
One of the reasons I don't have many friends is because I'm so mature. Another reason is because I'm immature. Let me explain. I act like I'm 25. I don't party much, I smoke weed when I'm bored, or on vacation, or trying to relax. I go to the gym almost daily. I work every fucking day. I'm in my third year of college and I study math and science. Yeah, you could say I get shit done. But I feel like a fucking adult and I'm 18. Now, If I wanted to, I could party and smoke all day and not get shit done. But I feel like there's a little more to live for. And when I hang out with immature people it makes me feel like shit. No its worse then shit, it feels like and irritating scratch on the part of your back that you can't reach. It feels like a hurricane is going through one ear and devouring you're brain into mush and then leaves out the other ear. Seriously it makes me feel unintelligent and like I'm wasting my fucking time. Basically its annoying.
But of course there's that reoccuring jult in me that wants so badly to stay young. Live free, feel good feel like you're having fun. So I chase it. This would be the immaturity. I try so hard to party or hang out with people and for what? I don't even understand myself sometimes. For fucking what. To feel popular because of my lack of highschool experience? To feel like I matter to people when clearly I don't because they'd be having a grand ol time whether I'm accounted for. I just don't understand why I want to be accepted so badly and why it even bothers me. Because then I find myself alone, grocery shopping, driving home from work, doing my homework, running errands, whatever the hell I do, and I feel great. Because I'm taking care of myself. Sometimes. I just want people to be on my level. I hang out with older people, but there still not on my level because there far behind. Their basically 8 years older then me and in my same position. Have their own place, working part time, maybe in school. But there not on that path to super success yet. Idk. I watch way to many movies and fantasize about what could be. I want so badly that group of That 70's show friends or that college "clique" of indie kids that go out to bars but work in the chem lab together. I can't explain but I want it so fucking bad. And I never let my self experience reality and tell my self that shit isn't real. Because I don't want to tell myself that. In all reality life fucking blows man. What the fuck are we living for?
Cmon, there HAS to be something better then this. And if there isn't, god I'm fucking disappointed with you. Seriously man you could've created whatever you want and you chose this? Lame as fuck.
But basically I'm gonna start telling myself "That's not what you want man, it's not worth it" when I get those feelings that Ineed to be young and go chill with people my age. Because every goddamn time I do I find myself in my car at 11:24 PM either fucked up or sober driving home from a wasted evening when I could have stayed in, cooked a healthy dinner, watched a movie, read a book, been alone not having to impress anyone but myself which is pretty easy.
I don't know. All I know is I'm so fucking ready to leave. If I could tomorrow I would get in my car and drive. Not taking shit with me. Not saying good bye to anyone. Swear to god, I fucking swear I would leave this place in a fucking heartbeat.
But I just can't. Not yet.

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