Wasted Thoughts

Closer to Closure

idfk or care
freee flowing. unknowingly, being cheated, getting repeated. feelin beated and kinda heated. ready to defeat this. ready to show you, ready to blow up and split you shut. so shut up you fuck up. you fucked up and now im in a rut. so bad this sucks, so sad like the rain, and now your just a pain, your no longer a brother, no longer a friend, no longer my lover so this is the end. at least as we know it, and done with your shit, so just leave me alone like we've never met. please get out of here your damaging my ears and their tiny little drums are slowly disinegrating and ready to run.

who knows when these fears will leave my dreams. cause my tears make a never-ending stream, and then these beams of sunlight hit my eyes by 6 AM, when im ready to sleep, but is overrated cause of fucking coffee. i think ill just hit the sheets and wrack my brain while i go insane, stayin awake, wonderin what if and so what but guess what im just not done. i cant be done cause then it'd be over, and im not sober so let me live longer so that i can sing another love song like you matter so much. like all your stupid sluts that you left me for before you even knew who i was and knew all about me, you blew me off for some sexy panties so i say this out of remorse, regret for all the whores i remind myself of, while i should be a free-fleeting innocent dove, and you should be the one who gets fucked over

not me.

i am confident not to let you slip away
take me back. to december. the year of two thousand and eight. when i was alive. every fiber of my being was itching for fantasy, and every spectacle of light burst into flames.

i need this reassurance that i will probably never recieve, being a capricorn and a natural worrier this is just. who. i. am. i am sorry that this is not who you fell in love with, but it is the one whom you should love.

the hemp in my life is obviously flourescent, while the onyx and ruby are non-existant. i cannot fathom my well being alone, but all one is who i desire. all one is here, and when i thought i was here, i was there, due to all one. however i am. not.

it is just like the movies. i eat from. the. tree. if i do not open the curtains then i do not see. all the people run. by. all the people run. by. my heart it beats my heart it beats my heart it beats love ove ove ove love ove ove ove love. but if he loves me then why. does he leave. but if he loves me then why. does he leave.

its been about a week since we've talked, and of course i caved and tried to call, just for some kind of closure, and of course you didn't answer, and of course you haven't called back, and OF COURSE i had a dream about you, after crying over you all day yesterday. how do people waste almost two years of their lives someone? and just throw it away to some stupid bitches, and cant even talk about what happened? i really can't understand this one, and i don't think i can do this anymore, i cannot come to the realization that i am alone, but that's what it has to come down to.

i just wish i was more vulnerable to these kind of things. i just wish i was more independent and i didn't rely on others to make me feel better, and i wish i wasn't so stupid needing closure and shit, why can't i just get over it? obviously i was real about all of this, and you were just lying and cheating and waiting for me to say the words, so that you could bounce and leave me forever.

me and my mom got a place, were moving in on the first. its time for change. i know ive said that like a thousand times but i really do want to be different. i dont like myself. i am very needy all of the sudden, and i just want to be independent. i started hanging out with my best friend in the entire world again, but i can still feel that gap between us. i saw my old mentor yesterday and he was so happy to see me, and i know that i can talk to him about anything but for some reason i dont want to, i dont want to talk to anyone, because im so angry about all the people ive trusted and how they have just abandoned me or worse sabotaged me. im disgusted with my other best friend and now i have no control over what he does and who he talks to. its really sad that i have to be this way. i dont know if i will ever change.

classes im taking in fall:
-Environmental Science 108
-German 101
-Math 90
-English 101
-Intro to Ag Careers 115
...General Ed, done

Classes left over for transfer major:
-Bio 101, 111
-Physics 101, 102, 103
-Chem 101, 102
-Organic Chem 111, 112
-Econ 101, 102
-English 102
-Math 101, 171, 172, 173

FUCKKKK i've got a long ass way to go.
something ive learned this past week, it never gets better and it only gets worse, and just when you think youve reached that high point, that youve finally felt superior, whatever it is gets ripped out of your hands and torn apart...
update: not moving to stockton anymore, i am moving hopefully to downtown modesto. hopefully.

Summer 2010
I've been a solid stone of confinement. I feel detached to many, and reattached to some. It's not a good feeling. I feel sick and frustrated. I have had pleasurable adventures but my mind's creativity conquers and kills all the enjoyment. I feel lost and confused, like i am going to be stranded and have no where to go.

I just keep thinking and wracking my brain. In school, I have been attentive and understanding, but every where else i have been isolated and retained. I feel that I cannot excersise my injustice, for i will be judged. I feel I cannot attain to my own opinions for i will be classified as insane, immoral, misleading in the spirit.

My moons have been against me, or i have been against them. I feel not like a capricorn but that of a sagittarius. I want to be myself. I want to be alone, but I lack company. I have purified and cleansed my body with nutrients and herbs but feel contaminated by the city and the political society.

My ways are reductant, they are illucid and unimaginable. My body and soul are one but my mind is lacking unity. I believe that I need to express myself more clearly...

I just hope the fall brings some form of hope.

Writer's Block: What I'm Reading This Summer.
Lately I have been reading the history of tarot and how to play it. I'm also reading about the Capricorn moon and how it plays a part of my life cycle. I bought the books sideways and identical in san Fran and can't wAit to start those :)

on the day of today
i don't have much to say
just that i have strayed, far away
and i will continue to stray
until i am so far gone
that i feel i am finally done
done with these hardships and with this reliance
done with the things that hold me down
and the things that make me feel remorse
and what pushes me around
i'm sore and i'm bruised
but that is nothing compared to before
i am just so used to it
and i dont want to do it anymore
i hate the cycles i go through
they are all the same
when life is a joke and love is a game,
its aggravating to know that i have no control
but i need to learn independence
an i need to learn to let go
i hate that we ended up here
but we can only go forward
i know that we can make it
so lets just look to the sky
for our troubles are thrown up there
and their just floating in the air
we still have each other, i and you are still here
we just have to say goodbye for now
and return with nothing but cheer

you'd be like a God to us
like a drug dealer.

Writer's Block: Cheating with a side of bacon
Have you ever changed your eating habits for a new relationship (e.g., switched to vegetarianism, eaten more meat, etc.)? If yes, did you stick with it when you were eating out with other friends? Which lasted longer, the food regimen or the relationship?

I am a vegan and i love it and i wont go back! there is alternatives for everything. i can eat practically everything i did before and i hate meat anyways! i think everyone should go vegan and then the world will stop making meat and dairy products!!!! 


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